Dyslexia Panic Averted

I had a mini moment of crisis today.

I caught the headline of a newspaper today, and at first glance it appeared to be gobbeldy gook. I tried to ignore it, assuming that I was in a dream like state where things didn't naturally make sense. Except I was definitely not sleeping.

So I tried reading it again, and I definitely did not understand the headline. It was two made up words, surely. Then the panic really set in. Oh my god, I thought, I've actually lost the ability to read. Surely its like riding a bike, or tieing your laces. Once you have it, it don't go anywhere.

Then I realised that not only could I not understand the headline, BUT NONE OF THE OTHER WORDS MADE SENSE EITHER. I was fucked, clearly. My life was in ruins, because I had forgotten how to read.

This all happened in the space of what I would estimate to be around 1 second. This was the lenght of time it tookme to clock that it was the Polish edition of the Sun, and that as I can't read Polish it was not a big surprise that it was incomprehensible.

Things I've learned from television I

If you lie on your CV you stand an increased opportunity of getting a job with a six figure salary.

Therefore on my CV my middle name is 'team player', under skills I have 'mean pterodactyl impression' and I've studied at Oxford, Yale and the Sorbonne.

Here's hoping no assassins are reading...

Today, apropos of nothing, I worked out how I would assassinate myself, were I able to maintain split personalities capable of being in different places at the same time. Or perhaps I mean, how someone might assassinate me, were they so inclinded to do so.

Around a half mile from my flat there's an old building. I think its an old factory, and may now in fact be a brewery. Its quite tall, and the top features castle style turrets and slit windows. Clearly these windows are perfect for lurking in. Even with contacts in, there's no-one I could see anything.


Now from these slit windows, there's a clear line of vision to my kitchen window. Now, anyone who did a bit of research on me, would know that I hate leaving dirty dishes. Given that my kitchen sink is right by the window, its a guaranteed fact that every night I'll spend at least 10 minutes standing there, blissfully unaware of the potential for doom (until now). Not only that, but as I'm also a creature of habit its more or less the same time every day that I'm there. Obviously I can't disclose the time for safety reasons.

Not only that, but given the good transport links the sniper could be well away (from Bridgeton train station) immediately. By estimation if it took an hour or so to get the manhunt under way - assuming that someone hears the shot - the sniper could be as far away as Edinburgh. If the assassination wasn't discovered straight away, Mr. Sniper could even get to the airport and be out of the country. Presumably to somewhere without an extradition treaty to the United Kingdom.

A half decent sniper on a clear day would have me on toast. Although, with my admittedly rudimentary knowledge of sniping (Call of Duty 4 not withstanding), there appear to be 2 things in my favour.

1. The bullet would have to cross a busy park and a river, meaning that there is little wind cover. Given that it can be quite windy, the sniper would need to be skilled.
2. The bullet would also have to come through glass, which I'd imagine would slow it down enough in my favour. Conversely the glass might also lacerate me quite harmfully. Swings and roundabouts, this one.

Also in my favour is the fact that I can't think of any reason why someone would want me dead. Of course, those are probably the people that do end up getting assassinated...

The buiding can be made out in the gap between the two appartment buildings facing on to me.

50 States: 50 Songs

The challenge is to take each American state, and then find a song which contains it in the title. Alternatively we could take a song title, and look for American states within it.

There are a couple of rules:

1. No songs written for musicals.
2. The name of the state MUST be in the title - not the band, or a lyrics (so Take me home (country roads) doesn't count)
3. Souths, Norths and Wests can be discounted. But in these cases, there needs to be a song for each compass point i.e there must be two songs with Carolina in them.

1. Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynrd
2. Alaska
3. Arizona
4. Arkansas
5. (Dani) California - Red Hot Chili Peppers
6. Colorado
7. Connecticut
8. Delaware
9. Florida - Modest Mouse
10. (Midnight Train To) Georgia - Gladys Knight and the Pips
11. Hawaii
12. Idaho
13. Illinois
14. Indiana
15. Iowa
16. Kansas
17. Kentucky
18. Louisiana
19. Maine
20. Maryland
21. Massachussets - Bee Gees
22. Michigan
23. Minnesota
24. (Cry) Mississippi - Helicopter Girl
25. Missouri
26. Montana
27. Nebraska
28. Nevada
29. New Hampshire
30. (Timberwolves at) New Jersey - Taking Back Sunday
31. New Mexico
32. New York (I love you, but you're brining me down) - LCD Soundsystem
33. (Sudden Death in(North)) Carolina - Brand New
34. (North) Dakota - Stereophonics
35. Ohio
36. Oklahoma
37. Oregon
38. Pennsylvania
39. Rhode Island
40. (Oh my sweet(South)) Carolina - Ryan Adams
41. South Dakota
42. Tennessee (Sucks) - Ryan Adams
43. Commerce, Texas - Ben Kweller
44. Utah
45. Vermont
46. Virginia (Moon) - Foo Fighters
47. Washington
48. West Virginia
49. Wisconsin
50. Wyoming

TO BE CONTINUED...

/language geek joke

Did you know that the motto of the French Navy translates as "To the water, its time"

"A l'eau c'est l'heure"*


*only funny if you say it out loud in an ridiculous French accent. Possibly not even then.

The Apprentice

Reality Television, it is generally considered, is rubbish and reckoned by many too be one of the many signs of an upcoming Armageddon - Heat Magazine, confused.com, and the Kooks being the others presumably.

In 99% of cases I agree whole heartedly - do we really need a TV show which tells us that Kerry "That's why mums go to Iceland" Katona is a vapid, irritating, self-obsessed moron, or yet another series of Big Bruva, featuring morons who actually want to be Kerry Katona? That was a rhetorical question by the way. To which the answer is a resounding no.

(Surely by now, every celebrity obsessed idiot in the country who would describe themselves as being 'totally crazy', who likes 'drinking and partying' has now actually been on a reality TV show)

Which brings me to the diamond in the rough that is the genius of the Apprentice. It too features morons, but in this case its people who combine the most beautiful of traits for those who enjoy seeing muppets getting what they're due - arrogance and ignorance. And therein lies its utter genius, combined with the brilliance of Sir Alan Sugar and his henchpeople Nick and Margaret who courted controvery by taking on an entire University "I think Edinburgh isn't what it used to be".

This series on the BBC every Wednesday at 9 has been comedy gold. Every week I find myself in front of the telly either laughing til I cry, or SHOUTING AND GETTING REALLY ANNOYED WITH THEIR SHEER STUPIDITY.

Now we're onto the last 5. Sadly the wit of Raef has gone ("The spoken word is my tool"), as too has the unbelievable arrogance of Michael ("The good little Jewish boy" who didn't know what Kosher chicken was. In the moment of the series so far when he seemed unsure of his Jewishness, Sir Alan requested that he take down his trousers to find out. 5 minutes later Michael was seen crossing himself on the way back into the boardroom. Although I suppose, at that point, he needed all the help he could get), but there remain some characters left

Lee (who is the spit of Super Hans from Peep Show) refers to himself in the third person and yells "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT" regularly, with feeling. As of yet, no-one knows what he is talking about. He also does a mean pterodactyl impression.

Whatever the task Lucinda will complain that its not her strong point. No-one knows what this mysterious strong point is, as of yet. She has also crafted her role as the victim to perfection. Having said that, she is my fav, due to her awesome selection of berets.

Helene is dull and does nothing.

Alex is alright. He is, however, a bit of a dick with a terrible taste in coats. He is the dullest man ever.

Cla(i)(r)(e) is clearly Sir Alan's fav. She is a gobby bitch, with a penchant for comparing herself to dogs. Needs to be taken aside and told that when people say she's like a Rottweiler, its not a compliment. She has however, taken on board the criticism and became better and less annoying for it. Of the 5, she is the only one that deserves to win and is the only one likely to win.

That doesn't mean, however, it won't be essential telly viewing to see how she does it.

VIVA World Cup

Here's a link to an article which combines two of my favourite topics of conversation - football and unrecognised nations.

http://pitchinvasion.net/blog/2008/05/12/the-trophy-for-the-freedom-of-peoples/

Its about a friendly that took place a few weeks ago between Padania (essentially Northern Italy) and Tibet. Its all part of the build up to the VIVA World Cup, which is basically an international football tournament for 'nations' which aren't recognised by FIFA. Some are unrecognised for political reasons, such as Northern Cyprus, others for geographical ones, like the Roma people. Because, hey, why should the UN get to say who plays football?

The first VIVA World Cup was held in 2006 in Occitania (Southern France, a bit of the Alps in Italy, Monaco, and a bit of Catalunya). Three teams took part, and the tournament was won by Sápmi, who represent the Sami people of what is basically the Arctic.

As a result they will be hosting the 2008 tournament under the midnight sun. My money would be on Tibet, but I reckon their defending is probably too passive. BOOM BOOM!

There's also the ELF Cup for non recognised nations. Its inaugral tournament took place in 2006 in Northern Cyprus and was won by the hosts who beat Crimea (region of Ukraine) 3-1 in the final.

For me details check out the Nouvelle Federation website.

Beyond the cover

Photoshop is an awesome tool.

Obviously I can't use it. Anything that requires that much patience is beyond my limited attention span. But some people, they've got maaaaad adobe skillz. LOL.

Here we have "What was happening outside the cover of albums that are well famous, like"

I think my personal favourite is Nevermind. And by favourite, I mean most offensive.

Nostradamawhhat now

Predicting things is a dangerous game. Just ask David Icke. Of course, going onto the UK's most popular chat show and predicting the end of the world always looked like being a long shot. On the other hand, imagine if the kudos he would have got if that one had been right...

"ere Steve. There's 4 blokes on horses outside. One called War*, one called Famine, one called Death, and one called Pestilence. What kind of parents call... What's that you say? Armageddon? Bleedin' 'eck! That David Icke's only gone and called it right! Fair play to the mad bastard!"

So, my point is that, with the benefit of hindsight, predictions make you look silly. More so now that the internet is a sponge of information which be used against you at any point.

As an aficionado of making people look silly, I like checking back on these things. Every Christmas, I used to check back to the January editions of the music mags to see how they got on. Credit to Melody Maker for predicting the rise of Coldplay in their "21 bands for the 21st Century" back in 2000. Although given that I don't recall who the other 20 were probably says more about them that it does about my powers of recall.

Less normal is it for a magazine, say World Soccer, to give a list out in, say October 1998, of the 20 players who would star in the next World Cup. As I lay trying to sleep, some 10 years on, I remembered this article and thought it would make an interesting look at how they got on. So I tracked down the offending article.

And in no particular order, other than alphabetically...

1. Nicolas Anelka

Fair play. Its not a terrible shout. He hasn't really done it on the international stage, but is first choice for Les Bleus these days. Is he a good player? Yes. Has he underachieved? Massively.

2. Vladimir But

A Dortmund player at the time, he was regarded as one of the brightest midfield talents in Europe. Ultimately became a journeyman midfielder in the Bundesliga, winning two caps or Russia in the process. Now back playing for his hometown club, Chernomorets Novorossiysk.

3. Pablo Contreras

Interestingly, as it turns out, he's currently a back up centre half for my Atleti team in Football Manager. Though he's average and is on loan at PSV. Spent a couple of years with Monaco, before moving onto spend 7 seasons with Celta Vigo and is now in Portugal with Braga, Won 41 caps. Clearly a decent player, but had hardly set the world on fire.

4. Ivan de la Pena

Has enjoyed a rennaisance of late, coming to the fore as a key part of Espanyol's midfield. Flattered to deceive at Barcelona and Lazio, although did win 5 caps for Spain prior to Germany 2006. Has since faded, but his passing remains world class at times. Never lacked the talent. Definitely lacked the desire.

5. Mustafa Dogan

A German of Turk descent, he won two caps for the national squad. Spent a while at Fenerbache, now plys his trade at Besiktas.

6. Edgar

Signed for Real Madrid from Benfica as a 21 year old, but never played a game. Was shifted on to Malaga. Last year of in 2005, still there, seeking the opportunity to represent Angola in the 2006 World Cup, despite having played an international for Portugal. Now seems to be at Boavista in Portugal. Another player whose star twinkled for a moment, but who's career never really took off.

7. Felipe

Touted as the heir apparent to Roberto Carlos, he won 13 caps while playing for numerous Brazilian clubs. Now seems to play for Qatar's finest Al-Sadd. We can assume things never really got going.

8. Daisuke Ichikawa

A pacy right winger, who has never filled his potential. Has spent his whole career at Shimszu S Pulse, earning 10 Japanese caps between 1998 and 2002.

9. Robbie Keane

Robbie is a great striker, and is in the minority of those in this list who made a mark on the 2002 World Cup with a great goal against Germany. Has never became the star he was supposed to become, but there are fewer more instinctive strikers in the penalty box.

10. Peter Ofori Quaye

A Ghanian now playing in Israel. Spent a large chunk of his career in Greece but has never been capped by his country.

11. Andres Oliviera

Another about whom little information is out there. Appears to be playing in Australia for Perth. The implication being that it has went pear shaped at some point...

12. Michael Owen

Ah, lil Mikey. Its arguable that his career peaked with an incredible goal against Argentina in St. Etienne back in 1998. And really, how could of it? Still a great striker, but injuries have robbed on his greatest asset, that fantastic turn of speed.

13. Adil Ramzi

A Morrocan playing for FC Utrecht. Spent most of career in the Netherlands without doing too much damage. Has won 19 caps for his country, scoring twice in the process.

14. Juan Román Riquelme

A true genius. The haters thing he's too slow and too lazy to be a great player. They're right - he is both these things. But, on his day, there is no football on the planet that can match the way he effortlessly controls matches. His passing majestic, he is a true enigma. A fragile one at that - everyne watching knew he'd miss that penalty against Arsenal. Words more beautiful that I can produce have been used to desscribe the man. Here and here

15. Laurent Sanda

Seems to have played for Genoa, but nothing else has really been written. Suffice to say, he probably never scaled the heights...

16. Dennis Serban

Signed for Valenica, deemed the new Hagi, but never really featured and was farmed out on loan to Villarreal and Elche. Capped 9 times for Romania, he is now coach for Astra Ploiesti

17. Ole Tobiasen

Came throught the Ajax youth system. Missed the 98 world Cup and 2000 Euros through injury, he won 6 caps for Denmark, but really has been nothing more than a journeyman through Dutch football.

18. Francesco Totti

One of the few world class players in the list and remains utterly crucial to Roma. On his day he is on the best in the world, but while he is an undoubted giallorossi legend, he never really did it for Italy.

19. Igor Tudor

A Croatian centre half who spent 10 years at Juve and won 55 caps. Rightly regarded as Croatia's finest defender of recent history. Not a star by any means, but a player who would have graced any team's back line and not looked out of place. Now at Hadjuk Split.

20. Kenneth Zeigbo

Played 3 times for Nigeria in a career that has taken him to numerous countries without much of note.

Overall it makes for pretty sad reading really. But such is football - a combo of injuries, lac of motivation, or just plain bad luck was probably enough to curtail most of these player's careers. Overall, Riquelme and Totti are probably the two world class players on the list, although they were already coming to prominence when the article was first written.

In the interests of fairness, here's a few players to watch out for. Based entirely on who you should sign on Football Manager (which let's face has never been a bad indicator of future sucess!)

Bojan Krkic (Barcelona/Spain/Serbia)
Ignacio Camacho (Atletico/Spain)
Hatem Ben Arfa (Lyon/France)
Carlos Vela (Arsenal/Mexico)
Ruben Ramos (Atletico/Spain)
Daniel de las Heras (Real Madrid/Spain)
Antonio Cerrajero (Atletico/Spain)
Rafinha (Schalke/Brazil)
Andres Guardado (Deportivo/Mexico)
Valon Behrami (Lazio/Switzerland)
Igor Akinfeev (CSKA/Russia)
Manucho (Man Utd/Angola)
Banega (Valencia/Argentina)
Pato (Milan/Brazil)

That should do...

* Fact of the day: In Sanskrit the word "war" can literally be translated as 'desire for more cows'.

QI and Stephen Fry - making the world slightly more intelligent

QI is a fantastic TV programme that regularly shows you that you're not as smart as you think you are as well as dismissing facts you had previously held as gospel.

On a repeated episode tonight I learned that Mount Everest (then know rather romantically as Peak XV) was first measured by a young mathematician, Radhanath Sickdhar, in 1852.

Unfortunately he discovered that it measured exactly 29,000 feet which was somewhat unforunate.

Picture the scene...

"Sir! I have measured the highest peak in the world. And it is exactly 29,000 feet!"
"Bollocks is it! You've gone and made a rough estimate there haven't you, you lazy bugger!"

So, naturally assuming that everyone would believe he had just rounded it and not calculated it properly, he said that it measured 29,002 feet.

Thus, as TV's most intelligent person Stephen Fry pointed out, Sickdhar was the first man to put "two feet" on the top of Everest.