In Praise Of: The BBC

The BBC gets a lot of stick.  Sometimes justified, sometimes not.

Their football coverage is abysmal. Motson has lost the plot. Lineker is a smug twat. Reports also suggest that there are cancerous tumours with more personality than Alan Shearer. And whose punditry extendeds beyond "and then this happened. Then this happened"

BBC3 comedies are generally car crash telly at its worst, but at least they're trying to showcase new talent. Gavin and Stacey would testify to that.

On the hand, their new coverage is generally unequalled. I've never understood the constant praise for Channel 4 - while it may be in depth, as Jeremy Clarkson said to do the news on Channel 4 you just need to put on a paid of funny socks and read the Guardian out loud.

So, when they put on something worthy of the license fee on its own, they should get credit.

Last night BBC2 showed the feature length drama 'God on Trial'.  Based on what is likely an apocrophl tale in Auschwitz, it tells the tale of a group of Jewish prisoners who decide to put God on Trial for the crime of breaking the covenant he was supposed to hold with them.

What follows is almost a play.  More or less filmed in one setting, and featuring eloquent extended speeches as the characters mediate on the meaning of the covenant, their relationships with God – both personal and as a race, the meaning of free will and the writings of the Torah.  Is this simply another test of their faith, or have they been abandoned? 

The writing is first class, and the debate conjures images of the great discussions of Ancient Greece.  The author wrote an article on it in the Guardian previously about how it challenged his own Catholicism, and is well worth a read here

In the end the prisoners declare that God is guilty of breaking their convenant with him.  What shall we do now, one asks, shortly before ‘the selection’ among them are taken to the gas chambers.  Let us pray, they respond.

My Made Up Word Of The Day

velocitise (v) - to make something go really bloody quickly.

"I leaned forward and was velocitised out of my chair at a tremendous rate"

La Liga! Ay!

So, the 29th Olympic Games are over, and if we ignore the host country's questionable human rights record, we can say they were bloody brilliant. And it saddens me that the knowledge I've gleamed off sports like handball, diving, and gymnastics will now hibernate for another four summers.

And as surely as one cosmic sporting event ends, another takes its place. Except its not quite as exciting as it happens every year about 38 times, but nevertheless my favourite excuse for staying in Saturdays and Sundays is back, la Liga returns!

Its been a moderately busy summer, although in the case of Barcelona and Real Madrid perhaps not as busy as would have been expected, but here's a breakdown of the runners and riders...

Last year's champions, Real Madrid, won the league for the second year in a row, partly because of their ruthless efficiency in front of goal, partly because Barcelona were rubbish and Villarreal are a brilliant team until people realise that they're a brilliant team and start tipping them and they crumble like cheap apple pie - Villarreal are to title challenges what Sergio Garcia is to five foot putts in the last round of a major - and partly because in Iker Casillas they had the best keeper in La Liga. Madrid conceded more shots than any team in the league last year, yet conceded less goals than anyone. This tells us two things - Cannavaro is not the defender he was pre-Germany and Casillas is brilliant. It certainly wasn't because Schuster brought the free flowing football antedote of Cappello's 2006-07 vintage. The German seemed ill at ease throughout the season and it was only back in February when a summer departure seemed inevitable. But he is back, and he's bought Van der Vaart. The Dutchman is a good player, but he's likely to be no more that a rotating squad player. Make no mistake, Madrid were gunning for C.Ronaldo, and they've shot themselves in the foot by trying to move Robinho on to Chelsea at the same time. The talented Brazilian felt he was being forced out against his will, and now that Ronaldo isn't coming he feels second choice, and feels like he's being held from moving on. This is a player who's desire is questionable at the best of times, so pissing him off proably won't pay dividends. Madrid have also signed Ezequiel Garay from Racing - an undoubtedly promising centre half who we probably won't see much of this year. They still lack another striker up front - Raúl is enjoying an indian summer of sorts, and Ruud 'van Gol' is still a machine in the 18 yard box but they definitely need further support. David Villa was mentioned but looks to be staying at Valencia, Huntelaar has bags of potential and would be an ideal signing, and Zaragoza's Diego Milito has also been mentioned, but his woeful second half of the season at the relegated Aragonese side could have put most potential suitors off. Overall, they'll be title favourites, but they might get distracted by the prospect of 'la decima' - that elusive 10th European title.

Barcelona are an intriguing propsect. The strike against Rijkaard's team was that he was a good coach to have around when things went well, but that he wasn't the man when a strong foot needed to be put down. Mourinho could have been a great appointment for them - sure the football might not have been quite what they expected (but, how could a team featuring Messi, Xavi and Iniesta ever grind out boring 1-0 wins?), but he would have had a unified dressing room. It remains to be seen what happens to Eto'o, but getting Ronaldinho out can only be good for the squad. His influence on certain players is the reason Dos Santos was moved onto Spurs - while Giovanni is a great young player, he's nowhere near as good as he thinks he is. Deco will be missed more, but Iniesta is a more than capable, albeit different replacement in the centre of midfield. Too often last year the little Catalan maestro was stuck out on the wing to allow the three midfielders to play. Of their new signings the two former Sevilla players stick out - Dani Alves should be able to do what Zambrotta couldn't and merge the full back/winger rule into one position, while Keita will add more steel to the central midfielder. Alexandr "Dribbly McNoscore" Hleb was a strange signing and does exactly what Iniesta and Xavi already do, but without the threat of actually hitting a shot, while Caceres will be a decent squad player. More will be needed from Henry, but if he actually plays up front he might produce. A fit Messia and an older Bojan could rip most teams apart. If Guardiola gets it right, and the ghosts of the last two season are exorcised they could be unstoppable.

Villarreal are perhaps the most interesting of La Liga's top teams. They don't have the strength in depth to really compete on two fronts - it took them two seasons to cope with the Champions League run but on their day they are a job to watch. Pellegrini has done a fantastic job of merging experience (Pires) with young talent (Fernandes), and they should be up vying for Champions League qualification again. Ibagaza and Llorente are excellent signings from other La Liga teams and are both more than capable. Edmilson will add some experience, and should be back at his best. He's exactly the sort of player Villarreal do so well with - struggling at a big club they just need a more relaxed atmosphere to get back on track. Cáceres is a loss, and they'll also be desperate to hang on to Santi Cazorla who's been talking up a move to Madrd.

Atletico coped well with the loss of Torres to qualify for the Champions. Almost entirely because Kun Aguero emerged as a genuine world class player, and formed a lethal partnership with Diego Forlán. Their attacking was never in doubt. Atleti's problem last year was their defending was an effort worth of Shakespeare as it veered from comedy to tragedy every time the likes of Pablo had the ball. A situation unlikely to be resolved by the signing of Heitinga and Gregory Coupet. It all depends on Aguero continuing his form from last year. If he does they'll be up there again, and Kun's name wil be up there with Messi and Ronaldo.

Sevilla never recovered last year from the tragic death of Antonio Puerta. Not only did the team struggle to cope emotionally, but Puerta was a key part of their defence, and in all liklihood would have played at the Euros last summer. Losing Juande Ramos to Spurs shortly after didn't help, and its hard to see how they can come back to the stunning form they showed when they challenged for the title until the last game in 06/07. As well as losing Alves and Keita, midfield enforcer Poulsen has departed for Juve. No really big names have came in - Squillaci from Roma has probably been the biggest signing - and in all liklihood they'll struggle. They have a great strike force in Fabiano and Kanoute, although the Brazilian looked jaded and seemed desperate to move by the end of last season. A good start is key, but Champions League at a push is the best they'll get.

Racing will struggle to match last year's 6th place. They've lost the brilliant coach of Marcelino who took a team predicted to get relegated to Europe a season after he took Recre to the top half of the league, giving them two consecutive seasons at the top table for the first ever time, and beating Madrid 3-0 at the Bernabéu. They're also lost Garay, and its unlikely that history will repeat itself. A return to midtable mediocrity beckons.

To be continued...

McCommunism

I thought about doing something in relation to China and the Olympic Games, but Naomi Klein writes far more intelligently than I ever could here.

I'm quite conflicted. On one hand I love my sport and the Olympics is the pinnacle of that. For two weeks I'm glued to the big events like athletics, but I also develop a passion for others - track cycling (where the GB team should sweep the board), rowing, canoeing... You name it, hell even they gymnastics can be pretty interesting (when they're vaulting, not dancing). Everything apart from dressage. Which is clearly not a sport.

But they're in China. A country which takes the worst of authoritarian totalitarianism and capitalist consumerism. Its a insult to describe their human rights record as questionable. Its a moral disgrace. Its perhaps going over the top to invoke the 1936 Berlin Olympics, but its certainly not going too far to say this is the biggest Olympic propaganda exercise since. China is the new kid on the block - the debutante. The IOC may have said at the time the Olympics would put China under international pressure to change its ways, but we all know that's not going to happen. They're a disgrace.

Its not fair to put pressure on the athletes to boycott or protest. But if any do they'll have my support.

I wish someone would damage me existentially...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/aug/05/internazionale.napoli?gusrc=rss&feed=football

the world, clearly, has gone crazy.

next time someone makes a disparaging mark about my hometown, their ass will be in court so quick that they'll be in contempt. or something.

The sense of humour gods strike again

Walking up Montjuic in Barcelona to discover that the Olympic museum is closed Mondays.

Glasgow Politics

I confidently predict Labour will hold Glasgow East in the upcoming election.

It should be noted that I've carried out no polling, nor have I spoke to any constituents or even carried out any analysis whatsoever.

Its based purely on the fact that the surname of the SNP candidate is Mason. That won't go down well out Parkhead way.

Great Ironic Moments in Music # 436

An Irish flag waves at T in the park whilst Feeder play a song entitled "We Are The People".

I'm not sure what's worse - that they wrote a song called that without knowing about how the phrase is generally used, or that they played it in Scotland. Surely they wouldn't be stupid enough to play it in Belfast the next time they play there?

Sid Lowe on the victorious Spanish

Imagine if you take an exoricism, but instead of one person having their demons, erm, well exorcised, imagine a whole country.

It seems thats what its like in Spain at the moment, where apparently a whole nation (well the middle bit at least - the support of Catalunya and the Basque Country remains up for debate*)

The always entertaining Sid Lowe writes about it here.


* How many Basques does it take to support Spain? Just one, as long as none of his friends find out.

Euro 2008

And so it comes to an end. After 22 days, and 30 games, there is but 1 remaining. And within a few hours, either Germany or Spain will be crowned deserving champions. Because, normally, that's who wins. Even in 2004 when Greece won and coined the term anti-football, as well as garnering respect and loathing in equal measure, sometimes even from the same sources.

But, the night is darkest before dawn, just as it was when the clean sheet fest that was Italia 90 led to the introduction of the backpass rule. Euro 2004 proved that you could win a football tourament without attacking, and Euro 2008 has proved that you can win one without defending. Looking at the defences, and particularly centre backs, before the tournament began, goals always seemed on the cards. The French had an ageing out of form Thuram and an error prone Gallas. Fabio Cannavaro was the reason Italy won the World Cup in 2006. When looking at the Dutch team, it wasn't the defenders that stood out. Even the finalists aren't steady at the back - Mertzelder and Mertesacker look unsteady and perpetually error prone, whilst Puyol and Marchena are accidents waiting to happen. While it easy to salute Puyol's ability to make the last ditch tackle and his full blooded commitment to every challenge, fewer mention that if he had any positional sense he wouldn't have to do so in the first place.

All this has lead to the most glorious tourament since at least Euro 2000, if not Mexico 86 (so I'm told), so here's a few standouts.

Player of the Tournament.

Andrei Arshavin brought his undoubted talent to the table, and the only surprise was that people were surprised by him. Anyone who has more than a passing interest in football outside the Premier League already knew that he was a gifted ball carrier. Suspended for the first two games, he was Russia's best player against Sweden, before giving the individual performance of the tournament against the Dutch. However, he was countered well by Spain, and a few pieces of genius aside never really looked in the game.

Player of the torunament for me then is one of the men who shackled him brilliantly. Marcos Senna may not be the glamour name in the Spanish XI, but without him they would not be in the final. He has been the lynchpin that has allowed the undoubted midfield genius of Xavi, Iniesta, Silva and Cesc to do their thing. He has pulled the strings magnificently, not letting the opposition play, and releasing those in front of him into space with exquisite passing. Simply put, he is the player that Michael Carrick wishes he was, and even at the age of 32 would grace any stage with aplomb. It may be called the Makele role, but only one man in this tournament has been fit to grace it.

Individual performance of the tournament

Already mentioned above, but Arshavin was magnificent against the Netherlands, ripping them to shreds, and going past men at will.

Team performance of the tournament

A difficult one - Spain's semi final destruction of Russia, Germany tearing Portugal apart, Russia against the Dutch in the quarters. But the Netherland's destruction of France by 4 goals to 1 was a thing of counter attacking beauty. While their performance a few days before against Italy was a game to behold, the 3-0 victory was somewhat harsh on the Italians. There was no such luck involved 4 days later.

Goal of the tournament

Almost impossible to call - Sneijder's counter attacking goal against Italy, Ballack's moment of magic in an otherwise dull match against Austria, Ibrahamovic's strike against Greece, or even Nihat's second against Czech Republic but for me it was Sneijder's impudent strike against France that was the single best goal.

Lesson's not heeded

Never write off Turkey. Switerland, Czech Republic, Croatia, all thought they had them beat, but the Turks showed admirable determination to get to the semis, and were incredibly unlucky to go out in the semis after outclassing an off colour Germany.

Tactical call

Van Basten showing an admirable set of cojones by bringing on Robben and Van Persie to stop France getting the upper hand in a game where Holland were already 1-0 up. It made the match.

Biggest Disappointment

Easy. France. An idiot for a coach, it was a tournament too many for Thuram, Makele and Henry, and one too soon for Toulalan, Nasri, and Benzema. With the players coming through, they could be a real threat in South Africa in two years time.

Team of the tournament (in the fashionable 4-2-3-1)

Casillas (GK) - a majestic save against Italy kept the Spaniards in the match.

Lahm (RB) - better on the left, but sums up the tournament by being sumptious going forward and lacklustre at the back. A wonderful goal against Turkey.
Zhirkov (LB) - utter class, great coming forward and comfortable in possession. Would be an asset for any side.
Pepe (CB) - comfortable on the ball. A stand out defender (except at set plays)
Chiellini (CB) - not the fastest, but looked solid. Didn't play against Holland, but looked comfortable against France, Romania, and Spain.

Senna (DM) - for all the reasons above
Deco (CM) - the best Portuguese player in the tournament. Rarely wastes a pass, and seems to ahve more time on the ball than any other player. Makes the central midfield role look easy.

Arda (LW) - summed up his game, but beating his man within 5 seconds of kick off against Switzerland and capped a fine performance with a wonderful goal. Fast, skillful, with a massive bag of potential.
Sneijder (RW) - another contender for player of the tournament. Wonderful in posession, and scored two of the most memorable goals of the tournament.
Arshavin (SS) - an irrepressible genius. Makes everything look easy, and sure to be plying his trade on a bigger stage.

David Villa (ST) - started with a bang with a brilliant hat trick, before winning the game against Sweden. Quiet against Italy, but few strikers have brilliant games fighting their way through banks of 4 and 5, and was injured before getting into his stride against Russia. Even then, no real competition in terms of strikers.

Whoever wins tonight will ultimately be remembered as the champions of a truly great tournament, which will be a yardstick for years to come. Spain deserve it, and their midfield could have a field day against a weak German defence. Equally German's height at set plays will be factor, and Puyol and Marchena will need to be at their last gasp best.

The sub-editor's revenge

John Simpson of the BBC is one of my favourite writers. His books are filled with well written anecdotes and fascinating stories.

This is a short bit which amuses me from "News From No Man's Land".

Back in 1966 when I was a sub-editor in the Colditz which we called the BBC Radio Newsroom, they still talked about the revenge of one of our number who had been sacked a few years earlier for some offence. On the last evening of his final shift, he was asked to write a story about the ending of a strike in the steel industry. He put it into skillfully camouflaged anapaests, which went unnoticed by the quick-scanning chief sub-editor's eye:

There were scenes of delight in Port Talbot tonight, as news of the settlement spread. The unions were pleased that the crisis had eased, and the firm was delighted, it said.

You must read it out loud to get the best effect. Some unfortunate newsreader had to.

Total football

One of the most interesting articles on football I've read recently, by the always insightful Jonathon Wilson

Music is my radar

I was thinking last night about how I'm not really into 'older' music. I pretty much constantly listen to stuff that I've recently bought, which is nearly always a new release. Or I'll go back and listen to an album that I was really into when it first came into.

This is something specifically to do with albums really, not music overall. My favourite ever song (Ceremony by New Order) was released long before I was musically aware, and if a hear a Rolling Stones song I'll generally turn the volume up rather than off. Even though I like the music of the Stones, the Kinks, and all that jazz I have absolutely no desire to go back and listen to Exile on Main Street or whatever.

Its not the same with films - stuff like Star Wars, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Apocalypse Now, the Godfather, Once Upon A Time in the West, Citizen Kane and Gone With The Wind were all released before I was born, yet still had a profound effect on me. Books as well, like On The Road, and Confederacy of Dunces, heck even Lord of the Rings were all written long before I popped into existence, and set in a context foreign to me, but they still mean something to me.

And there's the issue. Its all to do with MEANING and CONTEXT. Albums that were released before I was born I struggle to relate to. I think songs are different, because they're smaller and more digestable. Everyone is exposed to them, but how often do you hear an album on the radio, or when you're out. Almost never.

When someone of a more mature age than me listens back to their old Beatles or Dylan EPs, they're probably transported back to those days, and reminded of how they felt when they first heard them. They have a context for them. I don't, and for that reason they don't mean anything to me. As I mentioned above, Ceremony is my favourite track, but other than a singles collection and the album they put out in 2000 (which I bought at the time), I don't own a New Order album. Nor do I even want to.

Music is literally a soundtrack to your life. I suppose its because its something you do, while doing something else. When i reread my favourite book, or pop Star Wars in the DVD player, the only memories it inspires are memories of having read the book the first time or watching Return of the Jedi as a 4 year old. When we go on holiday we come back home and make compilation CDs on the music that reminds us of the experience. We don't make a compilation of the books we read. I don't remember what books I was reading when I worked and travelled in America in 2002, but I can tell you that the three songs on repeat on American radio that summer were Complicated by Avrila Lavigne, A Thousand Miles by Vannessa Carlton, and the Middle by Jimmy Eat World.

The albums I like listening to the most are albums that I have context for. There are albums in my collection that I don't remember buying - stuff by the Deftones, Stellastarr*. I relistened to them both recently, and while I liked them, they left me feeling slightly cold and uncomfortable because they lack a context. Contrastingly when I put on an album that reminds of an experience I get that warm and cosy feeling that comes free with a bottle of nostalgia.

Take Futures by Jimmy Eat World. Few would argue its their best album, many would argue its not that good at all. But I love listening to it. Because it reminds me of Winter living in Zaragoza, and walking the streets exploring at night. Every day I hear it I was to put on a warm jacket and a scarf and go wondering in the cold. Perversely when I hear it on a sunny day I don't enjoy it as much. It feels wrong. A Rush of Blood to the Head reminds me of a two week period between buying it on the day of its release in New Orleans, and seeing them in Las Vegas.

There's lots of albums like this, and nearly all of them have a small story like those two. That's why music is brilliant. Its autobiographical. Things that you can't contexualise, lack any personal relevance to you. They're biographical. I guess the difference between the two is that with Exile on Main Street I'd be on the outside looking in, and with albums like Futures or Rush of Blood to the Head I'm on the inside looking out. And that's where I prefer to be.

Paging Andy Townsend (literally)

literally -

–adverb

1.	in the literal or strict sense: What does the word mean literally?

2.	in a literal manner; word for word: to translate literally.

3.	actually; without exaggeration or inaccuracy: The city was literally destroyed.

Incorrect usage - "He's literally put that cross on a plate for him", "He's literally up Koller's backside there"

Correct usage - "If you don't stop using that phrase incorrectly, I will literally kill you"

Dyslexia Panic Averted

I had a mini moment of crisis today.

I caught the headline of a newspaper today, and at first glance it appeared to be gobbeldy gook. I tried to ignore it, assuming that I was in a dream like state where things didn't naturally make sense. Except I was definitely not sleeping.

So I tried reading it again, and I definitely did not understand the headline. It was two made up words, surely. Then the panic really set in. Oh my god, I thought, I've actually lost the ability to read. Surely its like riding a bike, or tieing your laces. Once you have it, it don't go anywhere.

Then I realised that not only could I not understand the headline, BUT NONE OF THE OTHER WORDS MADE SENSE EITHER. I was fucked, clearly. My life was in ruins, because I had forgotten how to read.

This all happened in the space of what I would estimate to be around 1 second. This was the lenght of time it tookme to clock that it was the Polish edition of the Sun, and that as I can't read Polish it was not a big surprise that it was incomprehensible.

Things I've learned from television I

If you lie on your CV you stand an increased opportunity of getting a job with a six figure salary.

Therefore on my CV my middle name is 'team player', under skills I have 'mean pterodactyl impression' and I've studied at Oxford, Yale and the Sorbonne.

Here's hoping no assassins are reading...

Today, apropos of nothing, I worked out how I would assassinate myself, were I able to maintain split personalities capable of being in different places at the same time. Or perhaps I mean, how someone might assassinate me, were they so inclinded to do so.

Around a half mile from my flat there's an old building. I think its an old factory, and may now in fact be a brewery. Its quite tall, and the top features castle style turrets and slit windows. Clearly these windows are perfect for lurking in. Even with contacts in, there's no-one I could see anything.


Now from these slit windows, there's a clear line of vision to my kitchen window. Now, anyone who did a bit of research on me, would know that I hate leaving dirty dishes. Given that my kitchen sink is right by the window, its a guaranteed fact that every night I'll spend at least 10 minutes standing there, blissfully unaware of the potential for doom (until now). Not only that, but as I'm also a creature of habit its more or less the same time every day that I'm there. Obviously I can't disclose the time for safety reasons.

Not only that, but given the good transport links the sniper could be well away (from Bridgeton train station) immediately. By estimation if it took an hour or so to get the manhunt under way - assuming that someone hears the shot - the sniper could be as far away as Edinburgh. If the assassination wasn't discovered straight away, Mr. Sniper could even get to the airport and be out of the country. Presumably to somewhere without an extradition treaty to the United Kingdom.

A half decent sniper on a clear day would have me on toast. Although, with my admittedly rudimentary knowledge of sniping (Call of Duty 4 not withstanding), there appear to be 2 things in my favour.

1. The bullet would have to cross a busy park and a river, meaning that there is little wind cover. Given that it can be quite windy, the sniper would need to be skilled.
2. The bullet would also have to come through glass, which I'd imagine would slow it down enough in my favour. Conversely the glass might also lacerate me quite harmfully. Swings and roundabouts, this one.

Also in my favour is the fact that I can't think of any reason why someone would want me dead. Of course, those are probably the people that do end up getting assassinated...

The buiding can be made out in the gap between the two appartment buildings facing on to me.

50 States: 50 Songs

The challenge is to take each American state, and then find a song which contains it in the title. Alternatively we could take a song title, and look for American states within it.

There are a couple of rules:

1. No songs written for musicals.
2. The name of the state MUST be in the title - not the band, or a lyrics (so Take me home (country roads) doesn't count)
3. Souths, Norths and Wests can be discounted. But in these cases, there needs to be a song for each compass point i.e there must be two songs with Carolina in them.

1. Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynrd
2. Alaska
3. Arizona
4. Arkansas
5. (Dani) California - Red Hot Chili Peppers
6. Colorado
7. Connecticut
8. Delaware
9. Florida - Modest Mouse
10. (Midnight Train To) Georgia - Gladys Knight and the Pips
11. Hawaii
12. Idaho
13. Illinois
14. Indiana
15. Iowa
16. Kansas
17. Kentucky
18. Louisiana
19. Maine
20. Maryland
21. Massachussets - Bee Gees
22. Michigan
23. Minnesota
24. (Cry) Mississippi - Helicopter Girl
25. Missouri
26. Montana
27. Nebraska
28. Nevada
29. New Hampshire
30. (Timberwolves at) New Jersey - Taking Back Sunday
31. New Mexico
32. New York (I love you, but you're brining me down) - LCD Soundsystem
33. (Sudden Death in(North)) Carolina - Brand New
34. (North) Dakota - Stereophonics
35. Ohio
36. Oklahoma
37. Oregon
38. Pennsylvania
39. Rhode Island
40. (Oh my sweet(South)) Carolina - Ryan Adams
41. South Dakota
42. Tennessee (Sucks) - Ryan Adams
43. Commerce, Texas - Ben Kweller
44. Utah
45. Vermont
46. Virginia (Moon) - Foo Fighters
47. Washington
48. West Virginia
49. Wisconsin
50. Wyoming

TO BE CONTINUED...

/language geek joke

Did you know that the motto of the French Navy translates as "To the water, its time"

"A l'eau c'est l'heure"*


*only funny if you say it out loud in an ridiculous French accent. Possibly not even then.

The Apprentice

Reality Television, it is generally considered, is rubbish and reckoned by many too be one of the many signs of an upcoming Armageddon - Heat Magazine, confused.com, and the Kooks being the others presumably.

In 99% of cases I agree whole heartedly - do we really need a TV show which tells us that Kerry "That's why mums go to Iceland" Katona is a vapid, irritating, self-obsessed moron, or yet another series of Big Bruva, featuring morons who actually want to be Kerry Katona? That was a rhetorical question by the way. To which the answer is a resounding no.

(Surely by now, every celebrity obsessed idiot in the country who would describe themselves as being 'totally crazy', who likes 'drinking and partying' has now actually been on a reality TV show)

Which brings me to the diamond in the rough that is the genius of the Apprentice. It too features morons, but in this case its people who combine the most beautiful of traits for those who enjoy seeing muppets getting what they're due - arrogance and ignorance. And therein lies its utter genius, combined with the brilliance of Sir Alan Sugar and his henchpeople Nick and Margaret who courted controvery by taking on an entire University "I think Edinburgh isn't what it used to be".

This series on the BBC every Wednesday at 9 has been comedy gold. Every week I find myself in front of the telly either laughing til I cry, or SHOUTING AND GETTING REALLY ANNOYED WITH THEIR SHEER STUPIDITY.

Now we're onto the last 5. Sadly the wit of Raef has gone ("The spoken word is my tool"), as too has the unbelievable arrogance of Michael ("The good little Jewish boy" who didn't know what Kosher chicken was. In the moment of the series so far when he seemed unsure of his Jewishness, Sir Alan requested that he take down his trousers to find out. 5 minutes later Michael was seen crossing himself on the way back into the boardroom. Although I suppose, at that point, he needed all the help he could get), but there remain some characters left

Lee (who is the spit of Super Hans from Peep Show) refers to himself in the third person and yells "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT" regularly, with feeling. As of yet, no-one knows what he is talking about. He also does a mean pterodactyl impression.

Whatever the task Lucinda will complain that its not her strong point. No-one knows what this mysterious strong point is, as of yet. She has also crafted her role as the victim to perfection. Having said that, she is my fav, due to her awesome selection of berets.

Helene is dull and does nothing.

Alex is alright. He is, however, a bit of a dick with a terrible taste in coats. He is the dullest man ever.

Cla(i)(r)(e) is clearly Sir Alan's fav. She is a gobby bitch, with a penchant for comparing herself to dogs. Needs to be taken aside and told that when people say she's like a Rottweiler, its not a compliment. She has however, taken on board the criticism and became better and less annoying for it. Of the 5, she is the only one that deserves to win and is the only one likely to win.

That doesn't mean, however, it won't be essential telly viewing to see how she does it.

VIVA World Cup

Here's a link to an article which combines two of my favourite topics of conversation - football and unrecognised nations.

http://pitchinvasion.net/blog/2008/05/12/the-trophy-for-the-freedom-of-peoples/

Its about a friendly that took place a few weeks ago between Padania (essentially Northern Italy) and Tibet. Its all part of the build up to the VIVA World Cup, which is basically an international football tournament for 'nations' which aren't recognised by FIFA. Some are unrecognised for political reasons, such as Northern Cyprus, others for geographical ones, like the Roma people. Because, hey, why should the UN get to say who plays football?

The first VIVA World Cup was held in 2006 in Occitania (Southern France, a bit of the Alps in Italy, Monaco, and a bit of Catalunya). Three teams took part, and the tournament was won by Sápmi, who represent the Sami people of what is basically the Arctic.

As a result they will be hosting the 2008 tournament under the midnight sun. My money would be on Tibet, but I reckon their defending is probably too passive. BOOM BOOM!

There's also the ELF Cup for non recognised nations. Its inaugral tournament took place in 2006 in Northern Cyprus and was won by the hosts who beat Crimea (region of Ukraine) 3-1 in the final.

For me details check out the Nouvelle Federation website.

Beyond the cover

Photoshop is an awesome tool.

Obviously I can't use it. Anything that requires that much patience is beyond my limited attention span. But some people, they've got maaaaad adobe skillz. LOL.

Here we have "What was happening outside the cover of albums that are well famous, like"

I think my personal favourite is Nevermind. And by favourite, I mean most offensive.

Nostradamawhhat now

Predicting things is a dangerous game. Just ask David Icke. Of course, going onto the UK's most popular chat show and predicting the end of the world always looked like being a long shot. On the other hand, imagine if the kudos he would have got if that one had been right...

"ere Steve. There's 4 blokes on horses outside. One called War*, one called Famine, one called Death, and one called Pestilence. What kind of parents call... What's that you say? Armageddon? Bleedin' 'eck! That David Icke's only gone and called it right! Fair play to the mad bastard!"

So, my point is that, with the benefit of hindsight, predictions make you look silly. More so now that the internet is a sponge of information which be used against you at any point.

As an aficionado of making people look silly, I like checking back on these things. Every Christmas, I used to check back to the January editions of the music mags to see how they got on. Credit to Melody Maker for predicting the rise of Coldplay in their "21 bands for the 21st Century" back in 2000. Although given that I don't recall who the other 20 were probably says more about them that it does about my powers of recall.

Less normal is it for a magazine, say World Soccer, to give a list out in, say October 1998, of the 20 players who would star in the next World Cup. As I lay trying to sleep, some 10 years on, I remembered this article and thought it would make an interesting look at how they got on. So I tracked down the offending article.

And in no particular order, other than alphabetically...

1. Nicolas Anelka

Fair play. Its not a terrible shout. He hasn't really done it on the international stage, but is first choice for Les Bleus these days. Is he a good player? Yes. Has he underachieved? Massively.

2. Vladimir But

A Dortmund player at the time, he was regarded as one of the brightest midfield talents in Europe. Ultimately became a journeyman midfielder in the Bundesliga, winning two caps or Russia in the process. Now back playing for his hometown club, Chernomorets Novorossiysk.

3. Pablo Contreras

Interestingly, as it turns out, he's currently a back up centre half for my Atleti team in Football Manager. Though he's average and is on loan at PSV. Spent a couple of years with Monaco, before moving onto spend 7 seasons with Celta Vigo and is now in Portugal with Braga, Won 41 caps. Clearly a decent player, but had hardly set the world on fire.

4. Ivan de la Pena

Has enjoyed a rennaisance of late, coming to the fore as a key part of Espanyol's midfield. Flattered to deceive at Barcelona and Lazio, although did win 5 caps for Spain prior to Germany 2006. Has since faded, but his passing remains world class at times. Never lacked the talent. Definitely lacked the desire.

5. Mustafa Dogan

A German of Turk descent, he won two caps for the national squad. Spent a while at Fenerbache, now plys his trade at Besiktas.

6. Edgar

Signed for Real Madrid from Benfica as a 21 year old, but never played a game. Was shifted on to Malaga. Last year of in 2005, still there, seeking the opportunity to represent Angola in the 2006 World Cup, despite having played an international for Portugal. Now seems to be at Boavista in Portugal. Another player whose star twinkled for a moment, but who's career never really took off.

7. Felipe

Touted as the heir apparent to Roberto Carlos, he won 13 caps while playing for numerous Brazilian clubs. Now seems to play for Qatar's finest Al-Sadd. We can assume things never really got going.

8. Daisuke Ichikawa

A pacy right winger, who has never filled his potential. Has spent his whole career at Shimszu S Pulse, earning 10 Japanese caps between 1998 and 2002.

9. Robbie Keane

Robbie is a great striker, and is in the minority of those in this list who made a mark on the 2002 World Cup with a great goal against Germany. Has never became the star he was supposed to become, but there are fewer more instinctive strikers in the penalty box.

10. Peter Ofori Quaye

A Ghanian now playing in Israel. Spent a large chunk of his career in Greece but has never been capped by his country.

11. Andres Oliviera

Another about whom little information is out there. Appears to be playing in Australia for Perth. The implication being that it has went pear shaped at some point...

12. Michael Owen

Ah, lil Mikey. Its arguable that his career peaked with an incredible goal against Argentina in St. Etienne back in 1998. And really, how could of it? Still a great striker, but injuries have robbed on his greatest asset, that fantastic turn of speed.

13. Adil Ramzi

A Morrocan playing for FC Utrecht. Spent most of career in the Netherlands without doing too much damage. Has won 19 caps for his country, scoring twice in the process.

14. Juan Román Riquelme

A true genius. The haters thing he's too slow and too lazy to be a great player. They're right - he is both these things. But, on his day, there is no football on the planet that can match the way he effortlessly controls matches. His passing majestic, he is a true enigma. A fragile one at that - everyne watching knew he'd miss that penalty against Arsenal. Words more beautiful that I can produce have been used to desscribe the man. Here and here

15. Laurent Sanda

Seems to have played for Genoa, but nothing else has really been written. Suffice to say, he probably never scaled the heights...

16. Dennis Serban

Signed for Valenica, deemed the new Hagi, but never really featured and was farmed out on loan to Villarreal and Elche. Capped 9 times for Romania, he is now coach for Astra Ploiesti

17. Ole Tobiasen

Came throught the Ajax youth system. Missed the 98 world Cup and 2000 Euros through injury, he won 6 caps for Denmark, but really has been nothing more than a journeyman through Dutch football.

18. Francesco Totti

One of the few world class players in the list and remains utterly crucial to Roma. On his day he is on the best in the world, but while he is an undoubted giallorossi legend, he never really did it for Italy.

19. Igor Tudor

A Croatian centre half who spent 10 years at Juve and won 55 caps. Rightly regarded as Croatia's finest defender of recent history. Not a star by any means, but a player who would have graced any team's back line and not looked out of place. Now at Hadjuk Split.

20. Kenneth Zeigbo

Played 3 times for Nigeria in a career that has taken him to numerous countries without much of note.

Overall it makes for pretty sad reading really. But such is football - a combo of injuries, lac of motivation, or just plain bad luck was probably enough to curtail most of these player's careers. Overall, Riquelme and Totti are probably the two world class players on the list, although they were already coming to prominence when the article was first written.

In the interests of fairness, here's a few players to watch out for. Based entirely on who you should sign on Football Manager (which let's face has never been a bad indicator of future sucess!)

Bojan Krkic (Barcelona/Spain/Serbia)
Ignacio Camacho (Atletico/Spain)
Hatem Ben Arfa (Lyon/France)
Carlos Vela (Arsenal/Mexico)
Ruben Ramos (Atletico/Spain)
Daniel de las Heras (Real Madrid/Spain)
Antonio Cerrajero (Atletico/Spain)
Rafinha (Schalke/Brazil)
Andres Guardado (Deportivo/Mexico)
Valon Behrami (Lazio/Switzerland)
Igor Akinfeev (CSKA/Russia)
Manucho (Man Utd/Angola)
Banega (Valencia/Argentina)
Pato (Milan/Brazil)

That should do...

* Fact of the day: In Sanskrit the word "war" can literally be translated as 'desire for more cows'.

QI and Stephen Fry - making the world slightly more intelligent

QI is a fantastic TV programme that regularly shows you that you're not as smart as you think you are as well as dismissing facts you had previously held as gospel.

On a repeated episode tonight I learned that Mount Everest (then know rather romantically as Peak XV) was first measured by a young mathematician, Radhanath Sickdhar, in 1852.

Unfortunately he discovered that it measured exactly 29,000 feet which was somewhat unforunate.

Picture the scene...

"Sir! I have measured the highest peak in the world. And it is exactly 29,000 feet!"
"Bollocks is it! You've gone and made a rough estimate there haven't you, you lazy bugger!"

So, naturally assuming that everyone would believe he had just rounded it and not calculated it properly, he said that it measured 29,002 feet.

Thus, as TV's most intelligent person Stephen Fry pointed out, Sickdhar was the first man to put "two feet" on the top of Everest.

Football football football! Its nothing but football, morning noon and night

I love football I do. This will become very clear throughout the course of this blog.

At its best it can be exhilarting, tense, joyful and utterly utterly heartbreaking. Its a form of art, and world class footballers are the composers, artists and poets of the modern day.

As much as I love club football, I don't quite think you can beat every second June when either the Euros or the World Cup is on. Sure, there's the odd dud game or the Greece or Switzerland or South Korea or whoever who can make it almost painful to watch. But this is more than compensated by the truly great tournament and career defining moments. The World Cup 2006, what will people remember (aside from the Zidane headbutt!). Take *that* goal Argentina scored against Serbia. Absolutely mesmeric. Or, how about, for my money at least, one of the greatest games I have ever watched. Even more so when you consider it took 118 minutes for a goals to score. In two shots football is summed. Grosso running screaming arms a flutter apeing Tardelli's classic celebration from 1982. Then the camera cuts to two German girls in tears. A look so despairing you'd swear something much more tragic than losing a football match had occurred. As someone who had his footballing heart broken by Italian six months ago I empathise completely. Oh well. As someone in a film once said "We'll always have Paris".

Anyways.

To my original point. The best thing about the run up to the summer tournaments is clearly the adverts. I concede they are there to sell footballs shirts and boots. But that doesn't change the fact that you get to see footballers doing mad skills. I saw this year's Nike ad last night before the Man Utd - Barca game and it was pretty awesome.

So here's a rundown of my favourites of recent years. Naturally most of them feature Brazilians. And Eric Cantona as some light comic relief.

Cantona versus El Diablo (and how young does Ronaldo look!)
Ronaldinho being Ronaldinho
Olé!
Parklife!
Joga Bonito
Cage Football

And of course, the all time classic

Brazil in an airport

Enjoy.

And for the record, I'm going with a Ronaldo inspired Portugal to beat the French in the final. I was going with Croatia until Eduardo's horrendous injury.

I'll be supporting Spain though - Xavi, Cesc, Iniesta, Silva and Torres. With David Villa and Joaquín in support. Irrestible. They'll still get beat in the quarters though....

There you go Joga Bonito.

Pre Credits Sequence

This sentence here marks my fourth proper attempt at what is popularly known as a 'blog'. I must confess here that I don't actually know what that means. But it has become a noun and a verb and possibly an adjective too. Plus, I'm comfortable enough with the context in which it is to be used to get away with it.

The first one was a livejournal that's mean feature was a reoccurring lameness. I feel this should not be dwelled upon further.

The second was a series of links and semi rants. Which was potentially good, but never really got going.

The third involved a list of 101 things which I had to do in 1001 days, and actually lasted AN ENTIRE MONTH. Unfortunately with myself being myself the list consisted of things I thought achievable - "cook dinner", rather than things that I'd actually want to do, but probably wouldn't. So it was a bit dull.

So, what will this one be about.

I could write about my hobbies but that would read like - I played football and scored a goal. I went snowboarding and fell over a lot. And I might write about that a bit. But only if I've got something to say.

I could do one of those job-blogs, but my job, while I quite like it, wouldn't be an interesting blog.

As a general rule I'll write about stuff I like.

As an even more general rule it'll be about whatever I feel like writing about.

I'll figure it all out in time. Possibly.